Medical Associates Clinic

 Quality Care Close To Home

     The mother and father of a young man recently brought him to the clinic because of their concern about his performance in school, headaches, abdominal pain, and fatigue.  The young man had missed a great deal of school.  He had seen several physicians and a large number of laboratory studies had been done along with x-rays of his head and his stomach, all to no avail.  There simply wasn’t anything demonstrably wrong in spite of the young man’s complaints.  I asked the parents to let me have some time alone with the young man and proceeded to hear his side of the story.

     The young patient indicated that his symptoms had been developing over several years time.  His symptoms had no pattern that would suggest the presence of an ulcer or a brain tumor or other diagnosable medical conditions.  Laced through his entire story was his perception that his “parents never let him do anything”.  He had no encounters with the law, indicated that he didn’t use drugs and he didn’t use alcohol.  He indicated that he didn’t smoke cigarettes, or chew tobacco.  He wasn’t involved in any athletic endeavor, he didn’t date, but he did like his computer.  He was very resentful that he did not have a driver’s license at age 17 and he didn’t have his own telephone in his room like some of his friends did.  He did like computers.  With that, I asked him several questions about computers and he virtually lite up teaching me more in five minutes than I would ever learn from ten books about computers.

     I asked him if his parents were concerned about drugs or alcohol and he said that they never asked.  He then added that he wouldn’t tell them anything about it anyway because they wouldn’t believe him.  I asked if his parents knew what he liked to do.  He added that he made the mistake of letting them know that he liked computers.  He said when he told them that, they would take his computer away every time he did something they didn’t like.  Now he doesn’t tell them anything so he doesn’t have to worry about it being taken away.

     I then took the time to talk individual to the mother and the father about the nature of the young man’s problems.  They were both very caring individuals.  They quite appropriately perceived their son to be a very bright young man and were aware that he had a very high IQ.  I inquired about their disciplinary methods inquiring about the circumstances of their “ taking his computer away”.  They indicated that they were concerned about his performance in school and that until his grades came up, he needed to spend more time studying and less time “playing with his computer”.  I inquired about why he didn’t have a driver’s license yet and they indicated that he had yet to complete drivers education.  I inquired about why that was taking so long and they indicated that his academic courses in school took precedence and that he wouldn’t get a drivers license until after he had completed drivers education.  His mother indicated that he required him to call her at her place of employment after the young man got out of school and to be home studying quickly thereafter.  The young man had indicated that he made the phone calls to his mother in order to “keep peace in the family” but there was no way he was going home after school and study.  Instead he went to a friend’s house and played with a friend’s computer.

     This young man’s parents were both very caring and capable individuals.  In their mind, they were acting appropriately, to raise their son to be responsible and well educated.  I then asked the parents if their efforts and methods were working. They both indicated they were very disappointed with their son’s course in the last several years but they still could not understand why their son was so sick all the time.  This presented the golden opportunity to point out some of the basic laws of life.

     The first and most basic law is that the most potent driving force for any human behavior is freedom of choice.  I pointed out that their young man was growing up, was developing a will of his own and wanted to make his own choices on what he wanted to do.  Granting these choices may be unwise or not meet with his parent’s approval, they were still choices that he wanted to make.  I pointed out that he would do everything within his power to get the choices that he wanted. At this point, he was choosing to be sick to frustrate their need to perform in school.

     The second law to point out was their need to recognize that what they were doing wasn’t working.  When what a person is doing doesn’t work, they need to choose any other action but don’t keep doing what they are already doing because they have shown that doesn’t work.  I pointed out that their attempts to over control their son were simply not working and were, in fact, counter productive.  I strongly recommended that they allow him to make his own choices. The young man’s father commented at that point, that if he let his son make his own choices, he would probably flunk out of school.  I pointed out to him that his son was already flunking out of school to which the father did agree.  At least if he let his son make his own choices, it would avoid an adversarial relationship between the parents and the son.  Let the son be responsible for what he does.

     This encounter occurred in August in 2002.  At that time, the young man was already repeating two courses in summer school and had been denied the opportunity to take drivers education because of that.  I suggested they let him take drivers education in the fall at the expense of his senior math course and that they cease to insist that he study and that he not be denied his computer until his grades “got better”.

     The four of us sat down together after this and agreed on these new rules.  The son thought it was a great idea but didn’t believe his parents could live up to it.  The parents had little faith that allowing their son all these choices was a good idea.

     It is now April of 2003, and this young man will graduate from high school.  He has a drivers license.  He made an A in his computer course and C’s in everything else.  His parents aren’t pleased but they did acknowledge that he as going to graduate from high school on schedule which they did not expect previously.  They acknowledged that his grades of C’s were better than the D’s and F’s that he was making before.  I pointed out to their surprise that his headaches, stomach aches and absence from school had ceased in the past year with no medical steps taken.

     Lastly, it was pointed out to the young man’s parents that they no longer seem to be as adversarial with their son as they had been previously.  Not surprisingly it was their perception that their son had made all the changes.

     The moral of this study is very obvious to many people.  The basic law of life is that everyone wants to make their own choices.  When the environment becomes over controlling, rebellion is a predictable result.  That rebellion can take many forms.  One of the most destructive as seen in this situation is the person simply ceasing to perform in order to frustrate an over controlling environment.  As obvious as it is to outside observers, I never ceased to be amazed how blind the players in these problems seem to be.